Today I think I felt a hint of what Hannah felt at the temple. If you don't know about Hannah, here is a recap...
Hannah was in a polygamous marriage (that is not what I relate too!). The "other" wife was a nagger, bragger and seemed to always get what she wanted. The most important thing that Hannah wanted, a baby, came very easily to the "other" wife. And to top things off, the other wife would provoke Hannah to tears about not being able to have children.
So Hannah went to the temple, where the priest Eli was, and prayed a vow and wept bitterly to the Lord for son, even making promises unto God. But when Eli saw her praying,
she was moving her lips and had great emotion on her face, but made no sound...
So as I drove in the car, crying out to God, like I do every time I get the silence of a vehicle all to myself, Hannah's name just came up in my Spirit. I realized I was sitting there talking to God, pleading with him, waving my hand like a wild woman, and there was a man just staring at me with mouth agape. He was watching my lips move and hand wave, but had no idea what I was saying. So while I froze and just stared back, I realized exactly what Hannah felt. She wanted one thing. One little person. And while she was patiently waiting for that desire to come to fruition, she was being taunted by her "other" wife. And while I am not taunted by others bragging to me, I feel forgotten when miracle after miracle is spoken of in church, on Facebook, by friends or other parents with children thriving after almost dying.
But what I must remind myself as others see my lips moving and great emotion on my face, but can't hear a thing I am saying as I am driving around town by myself, is that God will answer my prayer. He will not forget us. God will remember and he will deliver Emmy out of this mess. He proves time and time again that his timing is always perfect and He does have a plan and it is ALWAYS good!
ALWAYS.
Life is so hard. But somehow we adapt and start to manage, which makes it look like it isn't as hard as it once was. But it is still just as hard as it was at the beginning. Lately, I have been completely overwhelmed. Not like a fall-to-the-floor in the fetal position, but just overwhelmed with emotion. I have cried out to God before, but lately, my cries collapse my lungs and leave me struggling to breath.
Since my last post, two weeks later, almost to the exact same minute, Emersyn got a headache. We were on our way to therapy and she pointed to her head. I instantly prayed and tried to ignore it... Somehow I think if I will it away, it will go... Even complaining of a headache, this chick ROCKED therapy. She obeyed (which is HUGE, because she still doesn't think she needs therapy) and even crawled a few steps. But 40 minutes into it, she started crying and looking at me with her helpless eyes. I picked her up and took her to the car, which she seemed fine once we were out of therapy's view. Five minutes down the road and she looks at me in the rear view and does the crazy "brain" vomit. I call it the brain vomit because when the brain causes you to vomit, it comes out like a firehose. I pulled over, cleaned her up and that started a very long weekend.
As I texted Randy to tell him, I just knew this was just a headache or more like a migraine. She still wanted to eat, which is a great sign, but every time she would try to eat, it would come back up. So after chasing throw-up all day Friday, Randy came home and we decided to wait it out...with fear and trembling. I won't lie. This mirrored two weeks before and she ended up in a seizure. So we kept praying, anointing with oil and just tried to keep her comfy. I just need to chime in that the rest of our kids are so awesome. They instantly kick into quiet gear, stay away from Emmy or just sit by her watching her every move. So as we went to bed that night, I just couldn't stop crying. If headaches were our initial sign her brain was blowing up with inflammation, why is she having them again with no signs of inflammation? That is the first overwhelmed... overwhelmed at the unknown. The "whys" and the "when will this be over?".
The next morning she woke still in pain, so I dressed and took her straight to the ER. I texted our sweet neurologist, only to find out he is out of country, vacationing with his daughter in France. He texted me right back and said she would be fine and to keep him updated. She had stopped throwing up the night before but still felt nauseous and in pain. A bad needle poke, a bag of IV fluids, nausea meds, and pain meds, we were out of there in a record 6 hours... The diagnosis was just a headache, but the amazing part was what the resident said after reviewing Emmy's MRI scan from when she had a seizure.
It showed IMPROVEMENT from her last MRI, which just happened to be 2 weeks earlier!
That was the second type of overwhelmed that I have been feeling. Seeing one thing, but knowing that something better is happening underneath. Her MRIs haven't really shown any improvement for months! I have been so overwhelmed with gratitude and praise for God just keeping Emmy in His arms. Overwhelmed that things could be worse. Overwhelmed that we have come so far.
There are days people post old pictures of Emersyn and that overtakes me like mad. I cannot bear to see her pictures from before this happened. Before when I KNOW that we could have stopped this if we KNEW what what happening in her brain. And there are days when I think of July 15th and I get shivers down my spine and my heart stops for a moment, or think of her declining before our eyes because of some stupid neurologist at Portsmouth. I hate that kind of overwhelmed...
But then these past couple of weeks have just put me in a state of awe. I put her on the swing and she was holding on to the swing by herself. I found her sitting criss-cross applesauce in the grass, after putting her there so I could push Ev on the swings (this is very hard with a stiff left leg). She succeeded in pedaling her razor bike a few feet and was able to hold on to the handlebars for a few minutes without letting go. Then at therapy, with her brothers there to support her, she rode the 3 wheeler like a champ and even crawled farther than before. And then the biggie I have noticed is that when she is using her walker, she can move her right leg by herself, without me moving it forward for her! She is sitting taller and straighter and speaking more clearly. This is the kind of overwhelmed that I love! Every time I hear "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave I just know there is so much Hope in God and Emmy is proof of that!
But as I wrote this the other night, Emmy reminded me of how overwhelmed she has become. Healing is slow, muscles don't obey and she is 100% dependent on us. She yearns to walk so badly and keeping her spirits high is the most difficult job I have. Convincing her to keep the faith is hard. So continue to pray, family feel free to come visit and just keep Emmy in your thoughts! I really am hopeful for the upcoming months because I know this girl is going to be doing things on her own very soon!
